What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
