I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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