im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
