I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
