Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize