Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
