Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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