Just fell off a train. Bad.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
