I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
