You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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