Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
