And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
