I feel great
I just peed on a car
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
