She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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