He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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