we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
