i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
