College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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