Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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