So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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