You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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