On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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