omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
