normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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