I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
