Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
