he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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