I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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