i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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