Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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