I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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