I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
