On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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