Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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