My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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