Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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