I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Even my vagina gasped.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
