I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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