WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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