Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
