So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
