You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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