Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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