just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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