i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
