I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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