I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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