That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Someone signed my nipple.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
