i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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