That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
