we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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