It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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