The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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