It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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