Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize