From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
