I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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