would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
