You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
