There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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