the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
