they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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